The Pro-Con Love List | Glamour

Which is to say, when you write a pro-con list, you're often just projecting the preferences you already have. That can be useful, says Bruce,* 29, a reporter in Washington, D.C. At one point, with an ex-girlfriend, he remembers, "I physically wrote out the pros—'She likes Coen brothers movies as much as I do.' Then when I saw them next to other list items like 'She gets on my nerves when we stay at each other's places,' I realized how flimsy my reasons to stay with her were. The list helped crystallize my thinking."

What If You Still Need Help?

But not every list is as conclusive as Bruce's. "A pro-con list is great for bringing out the possible factors that go into your decision, but the problem is that it equalizes the importance of all these things," says Charles Foster, Ph.D., author of What Do I Do Now? "It just becomes a list of stuff." If you want to make a more useful list, he advises narrowing the focus to your deal breakers—for instance, will he move for your career, or does he make you feel safe?—and being honest with yourself about what's truly important. "You have a right to say, 'If this isn't the case, then we're done,'" Foster says.

And remember, the list is not the whole picture. "We don't have access to the reasons for some romantic feelings," says J. Frank Yates, Ph.D., a professor at the University of Michigan's Department of Psychology, who researches judgment and decision making. "You have to accept that you'll have feelings about your partner you can't explain." So if you're not feeling the pros, or you've got a list of cons but can't stop thinking, I care about this person (here's looking at you, Bus Girl!), don't beat yourself up. "Instead, try asking yourself a simpler question," says Ellen McCarthy, author of The Real Thing: Lessons on Love and Life From a Wedding Reporter's Notebook. "Is this what I want going forward? Is it nurturing enough that you want it in the days and years to come?"