Reader's Dilemma: I Lied to My Boyfriend About Something Major!

This reader has gotten into a bad pattern with her boyfriend, and she needs advice on how to break it. She writes:

*"My boyfriend and I were good friends for eight years before we decided to date, and I lied to him saying that I was virgin, when really I've been with six men before him. When he found out, we almost broke up, and ever since, things have changed. We went from not having one argument in months to arguments every single week. He continues to ask me to explain to him my sex life with those men in EXTREME detail, so I did as he wished, but I also lied along the way when telling him the stories, because I'm selfish and I was ashamed of myself. He is completely hurt from all of my lies. I always promise and tell him I will change, but this time he is fully convinced I never will. We argue, make up—we do have our really fun times. But whenever he breaks up with me, I pack my stuff to leave and he asks me to stay with him. This is becoming so heartbreaking for me and for him. I don't know if I should just leave him, because I know he doesn't have the heart to leave me. Are we just holding on to something that won't ever get better? Please help."*OK reader, a little tough love. This isn't a problem you have in your relationship —it's a problem you have with yourself that you need to figure out before you can ever be happy with anyone.

You need to work out your issues with shame about sex before you will be able to have a successful relationship. Have you ever considered speaking with a counselor or another neutral party about this? I think it would be a good idea for you to have a professional help you come to terms with your feelings, because it really concerns me that you feel so ashamed of yourself that you have been living a lie with this guy for what seems like not only the duration of your romantic relationship, but for eight years before that.

I hate to hear any woman feel guilty or embarrassed about her sexual history. Some people choose to stay virgins, some people choose not to. Some people wish they had waited, some don't. There are a lot of various personal reasons people have for their choices, but there is no reason you should feel shame. Even if you feel you made mistakes in the past, you need to forgive yourself, and you certainly shouldn't be concerned about the judgment of others, even your boyfriend. Anyone who would be angry with you about your personal life is not a supportive person to have in your life.