Parasocial relationships: Why we care about 'The Try Guys' drama

The personal trials of a beloved YouTube personality highlights a common online dynamic that we may not even realize we're engaging with.

INDIANAPOLIS — If you were anywhere near Buzzfeed circa 2016, you probably became acquainted with The Try Guys' many exploits at some point during a late-night YouTube binge. 

The lovable quartet of Zach Kornfield, Ned Fulmer, Eugene Yang and Keith Habersberger gained massive popularity and online fame trying things like taking a lie detector test, UFC fighting or eating like Donald Trump for the site, before eventually launching their own platform in 2018. 

They’re a team who Gen Z grew up to know well, and who are now in the spotlight for a different reason, as longtime Try Guy Ned Fulmer faces allegations he cheated on his wife with one of the show’s producers.  

We’re not going to get into the hazy details of Fulmer’s situation here — it’s all very sad and, as of 2:24 p.m. on Tuesday, The Try Guys announced Fulmer was no longer working with the organization. Fulmer addressed the rumors at 3:15 p.m. later that same day. 

— The Try Guys (@tryguys) September 27, 2022

— Ned Fulmer (@nedfulmer) September 27, 2022

But we do want to talk about a key term that's popping up in tandem with this conversation, because it’s important for how a lot of us may be engaging with people we feel we know online - parasocial relationships.

They're one-sided relationships where one person extends emotional energy and time into a relationship while another person — the persona — is totally unaware of their existence. 

"They are meaningful, sometimes as meaningful as actual social relationships, because even people we don't know can have profound significance in our lives, as inspiration or reassurance," said Dr. David Giles, who is a reader in media psychology, told Refinery 29 reporter Sadhbh O'Sullivan in 2021. "Much of the time we don't really notice [parasocial relationships] because they're so natural, and then we find ourselves having a discussion with a stranger about someone neither of us has actually met but who we know intimately. Or feel that we know intimately. Which isn't really that different."

parasocial relationships are wild because I should be sleeping but my heart is broken and my mind is racing due to the ned try guys rumors. why can’t we have anything nice

— rhi (@rhintintin_) September 27, 2022

ngl y’all……i try not to form parasocial relationships with emotional support white guys, but if ned from the try guys really did cheat on his wife after building his entire career off his Nice Guy, Wife-Loving™ brand, i am going to become a supervillain

— anna maría (@onlyannamaria) September 27, 2022

If you've ever watched an episode of "The Office" and felt genuine embarrassment at the antics of Michael Scott as if he was your own boss, you experienced a parasocial interaction. 

However, if you continued thinking about him long after the show is over, or reference parts of his behavior when you are not engaging with the show, you're probably experiencing a parasocial relationship.  

In the case of The Try Guys debacle, the parasocial relationship aspect comes from many of their audience feeling they knew one member personally all these years, and find themselves genuinely heartbroken or confused that he may have acted privately in a way they had not come to expect publicly. 

Dr. Edward Hirt is a professor of psychological and brain sciences at Indiana University, and said online parasocial relationships became more common because of the coronavirus pandemic. 

"Right away, people were kind of isolated. People had to maintain distance between typically normal relationships that we would. You saw this real influx of people gravitating to social media, but also having to find substitutes for just the normal kind of interpersonal relationships," Hirt said. 

Publicly speculating on a part of a person's life that they are clearly trying to keep private isn't part of being a fan, it's weird and I don't like it.

— Hank Green (@hankgreen) September 27, 2022

Where once parasocial relationships were reserved for TV or sports personalities, they now extend to online media personalities. You can follow or subscribe to a personality who's down to speak with you as part of their following, but otherwise has no idea you exist because they don't follow you back. 

You may like it very well when they talk to you, but who knows what that relationship would look like if you spoke back to them. 

Although The Try Guys can’t personally know the millions of followers now lamenting the potential demise of one member's personal life in an online space, that hasn’t stopped the internet from launching itself into shared grief anyways. 

"When it's somebody who's you really don't have any connection to, but the same kind of emotionality is happening and you're taking it personally and stuff. It's like - we have to draw a line here. That seems unhealthy and obsessive and stuff about that. And it's just curious for many people," Hirt said. 

That emotionality is key in these parasocial relationships — where we genuinely feel the experiences of those we love online in our daily lives, and extend emotional energy into their existence, while the other person lives life unaware of our existence. 

It can also make for an uncomfortable existence for the 'persona' who has to navigate the one-sidedness of these relationships in real life. 

"It's probably the closest thing we can think of to unrequited love, right? When have some crush or a thing on some other person," Hirt said.

have I watched the try guys in the last five years? no. am I fully invested and personally very hurt by ned cheating on the beautiful lovely ariel, his wife and mother of his children? yes absolutely.

— wunderyst (@wunderyst) September 27, 2022

SO NED FROM THE TRY GUYS BUILT HIS PERSONALITY AROUND LOVING HIS WIFE BUT HE WAS SEEN MAKING OUT WITH HIS EMPLOYEE ALEX IN NEW YORK AND ALEX'S FIANCE HAS UNFOLLOWED HER PLUS SOME OF THEIR COWORKERS HAVE UNFOLLOWED BOTH OF THEM AND NED'S MISSING FROM VIDS AND PROMOS AND

— maggie banana-q (@donyaquixote) September 27, 2022

Me: I don’t form parasocial relationships

Also me after hearing Ned from Try Guys cheated on his wife:

— Thomas Hewitts Whore (@HewittsWhore) September 27, 2022

Parasocial relationships aren't all inherently bad though, and there's some evidence to suggest they could be connected to different attachment styles.

According to a 2021 report published in The National Library of Medicine, researchers found parasocial relationships to fictional characters helped adults with avoidant attachment styles develop positive coping strategies. A 2017 study similarly found parasocial relationships could also help young people form a good sense of identity. 

But like any relationship on the internet, if you do find yourself exhibiting signs of one in an online space, be warned. The internet will likely shred it to bits. 

a lot of people hard launching their parasocial relationships on the timeline today

— seynique (@seynique) September 27, 2022

The parasocial relationships that some of y’all seem to have with The Try Guys makes this situation so much funnier.

— Em (they/them) 🏳️‍🌈 (@emh9817) September 27, 2022

I read up on this Try Guys thing and one of them cheated on his wife and that's what everyone is up in arms about?

That's bad but we've also circled back around, yet again, to the dangers of parasocial relationships

— Robert O'Neill (@RobertONeill31) September 27, 2022