Living Apart Together: Meet the Married Couples Who Choose Not to Share a Home

Eli J. Finkel, professor of social psychology at Northwestern University and author of The All-or-Nothing Marriage, agrees. “For some, LAT is a way to play to the strengths of the relationship without succumbing to its weaknesses,” says Finkel. “It makes time together special, rather than mundane and habitual.”

For Annie Fox and her husband, Nash, having two Brooklyn apartments a few blocks away from each other was in part a pragmatic decision made when they were dating. “He was moving here from another country, and we felt it was important that he have a chance to build up his own life and his own friends,” says Fox. “And part of doing that was getting housemates.” That way, she explains, “we could both have our own independent universes as well as a shared one.” Though she'd cohabited in other relationships, this arrangement works well for them. “Even if Nash doesn't sleep at my house every day, we'll still meet for a drink on the way home or grab a coffee,” she says.

But keeping a LAT relationship strong also requires some serious self-awareness. “If I'm just lonely and mopey and need someone, I'm going to have to pick up the phone and say it,” says Fox. “I can't just slam dishes while I'm cooking dinner and hope that someone notices. Which I've done before!”

When Deena Chanowitz, 35, made the decision to attend medical school in Vermont, nearly 300 miles from her husband in New York City, she realized that she wanted to start the next chapter of her life on her own. “I figured I could have date time with Gary on the weekends and be fully committed then, versus being stressed out during the week.” Her husband of two years agreed, and she says it made their relationship better than ever. Though they moved back in together because they had a baby in June, she plans to go back to Vermont next summer and continue the LAT relationship. “When I was in New York, I was overworked and not fully present. Now we have better quality time.”

Is LAT a forever arrangement? Many of the couples I spoke to don't know. After all, how realistic is it that you'd keep separate places if you start a family? Fox says they'll deal with that conversation as it comes up. “We don't take anything for granted in terms of talking about family planning and how it's going to happen and where and how we want to raise our kids,” she says.

When Newman and her husband had kids, their boys grew up living primarily at her house; John would stay over until they were in bed, head home, and then come back in the morning to make breakfast. “Proximity and support are not the same thing to me. I would not have been able to have the father that my children adore in their life this way if we had lived together, because I would have killed him,” she says, laughing.

Surprisingly, the most consistent issue couples face is judgment. Newman has fielded questions from strangers who have assumed she and her husband were on the rocks. “I would get concerned phone calls from parents [at my kids' school] who decided something awful was about to happen and one of us was going to have a breakdown in the middle of the school auction,” she says.

Fox has felt the scrutiny too. “People who essentially watched us grow up can, in one breath, testify to our ability to communicate and love each other despite distance,” she says. “And then, in the next breath, say this makes absolutely no sense and how can you take care of each other if you live five blocks away.”

But for the people I spoke to, living apart is more than just one giant compromise. It's also a way to be more mindful about all the little decisions they make in their partnerships. “We've already kind of abandoned status quo,” says Fox. “With other relationships, we felt like we were on a fixed track.” And getting off that track in favor of choosing what really, truly works for you and your partner? That sounds downright freeing. And if it works, hell, I may never have to share a bathroom again.

This article originally appeared in the November 2017 issue. Additional reporting by S. Tia Brown.