I Tried a $1,000 24-Karat Gold Face Mask, and It Was an Emotional Journey

How could women—who already earn significantly less than our male counterparts in the workplace—ever expect to take our rightful place as controllers of half the economy if we keep spending our disposable income on shiny crap? We should become homeowners, car owners...we should be saving for retirement and starting small businesses and donating to charities. There must be a way to get a decent-looking face for a reasonable price! On the other hand, if you only used the mask as a special treat, say, once a month (a pot is 4.06 oz., so let's say you need three pots a year at that rate), it's around the same price as a high-end gym membership.

The cost of the mask, from what I can tell, is largely a product of its "24k gold" ingredient, and the history of gold as an indicator of value is so long and complicated that it would take me a thousand showers to parse. It seems almost ridiculous that we don't spend more time putting gold on our faces, given how eager we, as a society, are to appear wealthy and successful. When measured against other markers of wealth, it's not even that expensive, certainly less than a Birkin and not much more than a pair of Louboutins. This pot of face stuff costs more than an iPhone but less than a MacBook, more than a ticket to Hamilton but less than a round-trip ticket to Dubai. For the cost of this pot, I could buy 7.5 shares in Facebook.

Perhaps the ultimate status symbol is not the possession of this substance but the use of it. To be able to wash it off...that is true power. After I tweeted about my find, a (wealthy, male) friend responded, "do a Facebook Live where you use all of it in one sitting." Ah, if only. I responded: "But I want a good face!" and I do, I do want a good face.

As I step out of the shower, I am forced to face my true motive in testing this product: I hoped it would make me a thousand dollars prettier. I hoped it would give me the glowing, clear, luminous visage of a greek goddess or Taylor Hill. And I realize, as I lean toward the mirror to inspect my skin, that I'm not actually sure what, exactly, this stuff was supposed to do. Tighten my pores? Even my skin tone? Clear my blackheads? I pull back and a quick Google search reminds me gold "restores elasticity" and Vitamin E "enhances suppleness." Hmmm...

I stare closer this time. My face looks like my face looks like my face. Wet and pink and pockmarked and still just me. But to the touch, my cheeks are just a bit softer, just a bit smoother. They don't look any different but they feel good, and isn't that better? Isn't beauty all about how you feel? I feel good about my face. I feel lucky to have such products available to me. I feel pretty. And I feel like maybe only Lindsay Bluth truly gets me:

There’s a cream with real diamonds in it. I can actually smear diamonds on my face, and it’s only $400 a tub! That’s like, what? A million diamonds for $400? A million f-cking diamonds!

For more beauty road tests, check out:
-8 Shocking Things No One Told Me About Getting a Brazilian Wax
-6 Women Tried Pumpkin Spice Highlighter, and It’s Even Prettier Than We Imagined
-We Tried Kendall Jenner's Glow-in-the-Dark Eyeshadow Palette, and It's Like a Rave for Your Face