Every Love Actually Story, Ranked

Jamie + Aurelia

Jamie's girlfriend is banging his brother, so he goes away to a cabin to be alone with his sad thoughts and write, but he's distracted by his sexy housekeeper, Aurelia. Then, on Christmas, he realizes he loves her and tracks her down to get to know her propose to her. Sorry, but what?

If they had an entire movie to themselves, to learn each other's languages, have meaningful talks and, you know, bang, this would be a beautiful love story. But instead we're supposed to believe that two people who have literally never had a conversation are going to get—and stay—MARRIED? The proposal is cute and all but come on.

And why does Aurelia's dad need to be so mean to her sister and call her fat? Why does that need to be part of it?

Ranking: Actually, this would never work.

Billy + Joe

The great Billy Mack spends most of the movie wishing for one thing and one thing only this Christmas: a number one 1 hit song. And he gets it! Fantastic! Entertaining! Bill Nighy as a sexy old man rockstar! We love it.

And then he realizes that fame no longer gives him the high it once did, the rockstar life is empty, and he wants to spend more time with his best friend and manager Joe.

...why tho?

Why make us learn a lesson? Like...it's fine, we have no problem with this per se, but there are already so many saccharine-y stories in this movie, why couldn't this one just be for fun?

And what's with the gay panic? The movie is so aggressively hetero; this could have been a cute same-sex love story, but they spend an entire scene like, "I don't love you like THAT Joe. Let's go make out with women because we are NOT GAY!"

Ranking: Actually, we'd like this more if they were just gay.

The Prime Minister + Natalie